October 29, 2020

Hello old friends. I’m sure you noticed that I have not been here in a while, I am sorry. I got sucked into the miserable world of high anxiety and I have not been myself. I feel like I’ve been living in a dark hole for some time, it has been hard. I hope this finds you feeling somewhat calm. As calm as can be expected this close to the election.

I was rereading some blog posts and I have been in a dark place quite a while. That makes me feel sad and a bit embarrassed. Even though these are not normal times and no one is feeling at all normal, I expect myself to be feeling excellent. I expect that I feel and act like my old pre-quarantine self. And I do not feel that way. Does anyone feel that way? These are strange and abnormal times. I wish I was oblivious. I wish for numbness. I wish I could just do my everyday things and feel OK all the time, but I don’t. I do not. And expecting all of these things from myself just makes me feel like a freak because I cannot perform that way.

Here are the things that I know. I voted. Which feels fucking great. I’ve been phone banking, which is weird and difficult, but it also feels like I am doing something to help. My kids are OK. They miss their friends, but they are handling things very well. I am relieved. Lavi has been getting straight A’s all fucking year, he’s so fucking awesome. Mayim is doing really well, (they don’t give letter grades at his school). Aaron is stressed out, but maintaining. He’s doing well. Theenie has to go to the vet because she has a very strange habit of sucking on the tip of her tail. Moko is chill af. And Sunny is feeling better. We had to take her to the emergency vet, but she seems to have recovered well. Honey Bird needs to run more, but she is doing fine.

I am taking a class at PSU, Intro to Counseling. My hair is crazy. Haven’t had a haircut since February. Who cares. Fuck it. I can’t seem to get a regular workout rhythm going. Living in quarantine is not good for me, mentally and emotionally. I am not an introvert, dammit. I fucking hate it. It is unnatural.

I miss traveling.

Yesterday I gave up at 3:30 in the afternoon and got in bed. I was having terrible anxiety. Fucking anxiety. I binge watched Brooklyn 99, iced my neck, had a headache. And I laid in bed for the rest of the day/night except for dinner. Is anyone else doing this? WTF?

Couples counseling today at 4. We have a rad new therapist. Lavi works out with the personal trainer at 4:15. It’s the only exercise I can get him to do. I need to get Mayim outside to shoot some hoops.

I need to snap out of this funk! I don’t feel like myself and I miss myself.

I have to remind myself as I remind all of you - go easy. Be gentle with yourselves. This is not a normal time, it is OK to not feel normal. We will get through.

Stay safe, loved ones. Wear your masks and DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE!!!

puh-puh-puh

September 20, 2020

I am feeling horribly depressed. I think my frown is going to become permanent. My frown lines are going to keep getting deeper and deeper until my frown is frozen on my face. These past two weeks have been such shit. Such total shit. I hate everything and everyone. But not you. Depression is not my normal. I’m normally like a tiny dog, anxious and trembly. Fuck you depression and fuck you anxiety. Fuck you so fucking hard.

I’ve been watching bad tv for the past two days. It’s all I’ve been able to do. I binge watched the second season of Big Little Lies. Not an uplifting show. I miss Schitt’s Creek. I’ve watched them all except for the final season. I’m saving that season. I need something to look forward to.

I wish I could go to school with Mayim. I need to be busy, to be occupied, to be distracted. I could do 6th grade again. That could be fun.

We’ve been watching the How To Train Your Dragon movies in the evenings. I love them. I am still frowning.

When will this madness end?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away on Friday, on Erev Rosh Hashanah. I hope she found the peace that she deserves. She fought her whole entire life for women, for humans, for people. I know we are all crushed by her loss.

I am sharing my depression with you not because I want you to help me or fix me. I am sharing my truth with you so that if you are feeling the horrors of depression and/or anxiety, you might feel less alone. Feeling alone is so painful. I feel squashed by it, isolated, ashamed, lonely. All of these delightful menu items. If you do too, we are in it together. And this too shall pass.

I hope you are well. I hope you are OK. Please know that I am here for you. I am sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

September 12, 2020

Today has not been a good mental health day. So incredibly sad and anxious. I feel like the mixture of anxiety and depression is a really special place to be. Everything seems to suck. My anxiety level is high, which means I am not balancing things very well. Little things feel huge and overwhelming. Insurmountable. Little, stupid things that in normal times I would handle without even thinking about it, feel out of my ability to handle. Binging Netflix and Hulu feels like the only safe place right now.

The fires went crazy over the weekend and the smoke rolled in on Monday. We’ve been inside since Monday. Now, not only are we in quarantine, but we can’t even go outside. We are the fortunate ones. My heart is breaking for the thousands of people who had to evacuate, who have lost their homes. It feels hard to breathe, not because of the smoke, but because of the suffering all around us. And I hate it. So much. I hope you are safe. I hope you are OK. I hope your families are OK.

I cried at dinner tonight. I’ve been hijacked by my hormones. I am no longer in control. Fucking PMS. Fuck.

Sending you love. Stay safe. Happy birthday, Meghan!!!

puh-puh-puh

September 9, 2020

I took this photograph and then needed to sleep. To check out. For so many who have had to evacuate, this is a living nightmare. I can’t imagine having to evacuate. We have a plan. We have our bags out. We know what we want to grab, just in case. It feels unbelievable, horrific, stressful, shitty. I hope it never comes to that. And yet is has for so many. I think my frowny face is creating permanent frowny wrinkles. I find solace in escaping into tv shows.

At what point does hopelessness turn into no more hope? What happens when we have no ability to hope anymore? Sometimes it feels so hard to find the joy.

I will try. Here are the things I am feeling good about:

My kids’ schools. My husband. My kids. I had the loveliest talk with an old friend today. My studio. Yoga. I bought a new sweater today. Tomorrow we are meeting our new couples counselor. My private therapist. My zoom tomorrow. Prenatal yoga. My new volunteer job. Talks with my sisters. Talks with my bestie. Talks with my cousin. All of my parents. Our pets. Lettuce growing in my garden. Sugar snap peas in my garden. Going to bed tonight.

Stay safe. Wear your masks! Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

September 8, 2020

The Good and The Bad. September 8, 2020

Photo on left: Theenie is a pain in the ass that will eat anything. In this photograph she is eating peas right off of Lavi’s dinner plate. You can’t stop her. She is relentless. She is supposed to be a carnivore.

Photo on right: This photograph was taken in the middle of the road in front of my house this evening, looking south. Those dark clouds are not clouds, that is smoke. There’s a terrible fire east of Salem, people are required to evacuate. Salem is one hour south of here. There are also fires at the coast. Things are fucking crazy. I hate it. I more than hate it.

Stay safe, friends. Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

September 9, 2020

Before the Smoke Rolled In. Summer Scenes. September 7, 2020

We were outside all afternoon. I kept saying “Do you smell smoke?”. It looked hazy, but we were not sure why. Then it rolled in, all at once. The winds were so strong. Then it really smelled smoky and we could hardly see Mt. Tabor anymore. This afternoon and evening have been so strange. I can’t remember such high winds in the summer. The red haze, the wind, the smoke. It was all unnerving. We haven’t lost power, yet. Both schools contacted us to let us know what to do if we do not have power in the morning. Strange and stranger. I hope you are all safe. I hope you have power.

Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

September 3, 2020

Does it still count as a news fast if I get my news from Aaron? I have not looked at the news all day today and I have not had a headache. Coincidence? We shall see. Still, the news he did share with me was not good. I wonder if someday we can do the research to determine how much more stressed this country has been during the Trump years than other years.

We watched two episodes of Big Bang Theory which is very soothing to me. Now I’m in bed. It’s 10:29. Early bird.

I hope you are practicing self-care. I am sending you love.

puh-puh-puh

September 2, 2020

Our Garden and A Dusky Walk. September 2, 2020

Plants left to right: Peas, peas, cherry tomatoes, dahlia, lantana, echinacea, dahlia, chamomile, garlic chive blossoms, the garden, passionflower, the boys, my favorite trees.

It was 83 degrees on our walk this evening. I love it so much. I want it to be tropical all year round. Second day of school. It was a pretty uneventful day, which is a great thing. I’m taking a big ass break from looking at the news. I’ll have to get my updates from Aaron. I think the news is causing me to have daily tension headaches and migraines. So, I am on a news fast.

Today I skipped meditation group which is good because I got a little bit more sleep. But also not great because I did not meditate today. I did do yoga, so there’s that. I’m ready to get back on Team Sisters, working out everyday. I did drive my car today. I’ve driven maybe 5 times since quarantine hit. I picked up some goodies at Naomi’s, our neighborhood plant nursery. More lettuce starts! I think the slugs ate all of my lettuce seedlings. Jerks.

I am volunteering for an organization called Postpartum Support International. I just started, but have not received any calls yet. I took a deep dive into the PSI website today to help me get even more familiar with the organization and the information.

I cooked dinner. It was fine, but I got overheated, cranky, upset, irritable. All at the same time. Then we went on our walk, which was really helpful. I love dusk.

That was today. A fine day. A Wednesday.

Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

September 1, 2020

First Day of School. Lavi Is a Freshman. Mayim Is a 6th Grader. September 1, 2020

First day of school. I have no words for what it feels like for my kids to start school from home. Actually, I have so many words. On one hand, I am grateful we can be home, we can be as safe as possible. Our schools are amazing, we are incredibly fortunate. On the other, it breaks my heart into a gadgillion pieces that my kids can’t be at school, with their friends, their peers, with the teachers and faculty that love them. I cried. My kids are resilient and they are fucking smart. They are honest and they see things clearly. They are also going with the flow, so far. I am grateful for that, as well.

I joined a Buddhist meditation group. Our sangha, or meditation group, meets every weekday morning for meditation. And on Sundays. I’ve mentioned my new meditation practice before. I’m not going to talk about how fucking difficult meditation is. What I want to share is that this morning, the woman who lead our group spoke quite beaitufilly about how horrific the violence, the chaos, the pain and suffering that is happening here, in Portland, as well as across our country. And that as Buddhists (I’m not a Buddhist, am I?) we seek to find the Buddha nature in everyone. And maybe I’m not trying hard enough, but I can’t and actually, I do not want to find the Buddha nature in the evil person that is “leading” our country. I can’t. He is a modern day Hitler. I hate him and I fear that makes me a bad person. A stingy person. Perhaps we can find compassion and say, he had a terrible childhood. He’s mentally ill. He’s a narcissist. I just don’t feel that any of those things lets him off the hook. He is insane. He is evil. And what does that say about the people who follow him, who adore him?

I am so sorry. I don’t know if you want to read about that shit or not. It’s up for me. It’s real. It hurts my heart, my soul. How many of you are walking around with broken hearts? How many of you are suffering? We are in this together. Community is the soothing salve. And for the love of God, VOTE!!!

OK. Back to the first day of school. It was awesome. I am so excited for both of my boys. And I’m proud, too! I really missed going to school on the first day to drop them off. It’s such an important ritual and rite of passage. I miss Merrill’s STOP sign. I miss the smell of the classrooms. I miss seeing old friends. I am so sad to miss dropping Lavi off for his first day as a Freshman in high school. Dammit.

I had a pretty good day today. A busy day, you know me. Busy days are the best. I am also drinking coffee again. I can’t handle full levels of caffeine, mine has a whisper of caffeine, but it makes me feel so much better. I love it. I meditated. Ate granola. Taught yoga. Ordered more lettuce starts. The damn slugs ate all of my lettuce seedlings. Fuckers.

I want to talk about my dad. Just for a little bit, I’m not sure how much I want to share. He has dementia and it feels like he’s disappearing. I’m so worried he’ll be all gone by the time covid is over. My heart hurts, I am so sad. I am sad for him. For Margie. For my sisters. It is so utterly sad. This time every year, we all spend time together in Florida. It is the best. I wish we were all getting ready for our trip now. I wish we could go. I hope his mind hangs on until we can be together again.

Tomorrow I have therapy and as always, I am very much looking forward to it. I have work to do.

Happy First Days of School, everyone!

Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

August 31, 2020

Anniversary. August 31, 2020

All caught up! Also, apologies for skipping some days. I think I was in a slump. A depression. An anxious state. All of the above.

Today is our anniversary, 18 years. That feels like quite an accomplishment. We had a good day. It was busy and I like busy. Meditation. New Mamas Group. Lunch. Sewing. Rearranging the studio. Beautiful walk with Aaron. Happy Hour. Dinner. John Oliver. Catching up on blog. Rad day.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Freshman in high school. And a 6th grader. Awesome.

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 24, 2020

Chilly Beach Day. Manzanita. August 24, 2020

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 19, 2020

Heading Home. August 19, 2020

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 18, 2020

Dirt Creek Camp. August 18, 2020

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 17, 2020

Camping. Arrival Day. August 17, 2020

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 16, 2020

Mayim Vaccums. Lavi Watches. August 16, 2020

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 13, 2020

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 11, 2020

Lavi Cooked Dinner For Us. Sweet and Sour Pork. Awesome Job, Lavi!

Also, Garden Update: l-r: Calendula (new variety in my garden), Cherry Tomatoes, Roma-Style Tomatoes, Dahlia, Black-Eyed Susan, Dahlia, Baby Watermelon, Cherry Tomato, Cucumber.

Yesterday, my alarm went off at 6:30 am so that I could get up to meditate. I turned it off and tried to go back to sleep, skipping meditation group. Wrong choice. I am human, I have to make many poor choices, I guess. This morning, I joined the meditation group. I did a terrible job meditating, but I did it. I put my butt on my cushion, and I did it. My neck hurt. My right leg fell asleep. I was distracted the whole time. But I did it and I feel good about showing up and trying. Then I did yoga. I tried a new instructor that Danielle recommended and I enjoyed it. Then I taught yoga, always a really, really good thing. At noon I joined an online zoom session about the graduate program at PSU that I am interested in. I had lunch. Then, Mayim and I had a bike ride to a friend’s house. Also, tonight was Happy Hour, which is always wonderful. It feeds my soul and I really need things that feed my soul now. Lavi made us dinner, so proud of him! Lavi and I watched 3 episodes of Big Bang Theory while Aaron and Mayim put Mayim’s new basketball hoop together. Full days are the best for my monkey brain.

Lavi has to go to the orthodontist tomorrow. We’ve put it off for 6 months. He is very sad that he has to go. It’s such an awful ordeal.

To pod, or not to pod. It makes me nervous. People seem so willing to do things that I am unwilling to do.

Time to read my dirty, smutty book.

Sending you the love.

puh-puh-puh

August 9, 2020

Good Find. August 9, 2020

A good Sunday. We visited with a friend. And went on a great hike.

Love you so much.

puh-puh-puh