Athena Star and Our Garden. May 16, 2020

I want to read about how people are feeling during this time, but I haven’t found anything that really says what I am looking for. I want to feel reassured that I am not alone, that I am not the only one experiencing all of the feelings that I am feeling. On the surface, especially on social media, people seem fabulous. Yes, they are in quarantine, but they are also creating, and cooking, and photographing, and fostering kittens, and going camping, and going to the beach. But no one is really saying what they are feeling and I really want to know. So, I am going to write down my experience and how I am feeling, then perhaps either you will feel less alone, or you will feel inspired to write about the real shit of how you are doing.

I wake up feeling overwhelmed by the day ahead of me. Not knowing how I am going to fill my day with things, chores, work that is meaningful. I feel hopeless when I think about the federal government getting us out of this. I feel heavy. I feel like I need to cry, all the time. All the time. I want my kids to be happy. They seem to be OK, most of the time. They miss their friends. They don’t get outside enough. They miss baseball. Basketball. I feel bad about myself that I am very sad around them. Not all of the time, but there are times almost everyday that I feel very sad. I used to manage my stress and anxiety by being busy in the world. I love to drive, to photograph people, to interview people, to meet a friend for coffee or tea or lunch. I love going out on Saturday nights with my husband. I feel grateful. We are OK. We have a comfortable house. Aaron is working. I love teaching my classes and supporting people in my community. I know that there is a huge difference between taking time alone for self-care and sheltering in place for an undetermined amount of time because there is a pandemic. I know that the people in charge are hateful, irresponsible, disorganized, science-hating buffoons. This weighs on me, on my heart, and I feel depressed. And anxious. I want to be creative, but being creative in the middle of all of this feels muddy and unclear.

Write to me. Share with me how you are doing, how you are really doing. Don’t sugar coat it for me.

Aaron and I are going to watch some stand-up. He was pretty depressed today, so we are keeping it light. Maybe we will laugh. That would be nice.

The frogs are singing.

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh