First Day of School. Lavi Is a Freshman. Mayim Is a 6th Grader. September 1, 2020

First day of school. I have no words for what it feels like for my kids to start school from home. Actually, I have so many words. On one hand, I am grateful we can be home, we can be as safe as possible. Our schools are amazing, we are incredibly fortunate. On the other, it breaks my heart into a gadgillion pieces that my kids can’t be at school, with their friends, their peers, with the teachers and faculty that love them. I cried. My kids are resilient and they are fucking smart. They are honest and they see things clearly. They are also going with the flow, so far. I am grateful for that, as well.

I joined a Buddhist meditation group. Our sangha, or meditation group, meets every weekday morning for meditation. And on Sundays. I’ve mentioned my new meditation practice before. I’m not going to talk about how fucking difficult meditation is. What I want to share is that this morning, the woman who lead our group spoke quite beaitufilly about how horrific the violence, the chaos, the pain and suffering that is happening here, in Portland, as well as across our country. And that as Buddhists (I’m not a Buddhist, am I?) we seek to find the Buddha nature in everyone. And maybe I’m not trying hard enough, but I can’t and actually, I do not want to find the Buddha nature in the evil person that is “leading” our country. I can’t. He is a modern day Hitler. I hate him and I fear that makes me a bad person. A stingy person. Perhaps we can find compassion and say, he had a terrible childhood. He’s mentally ill. He’s a narcissist. I just don’t feel that any of those things lets him off the hook. He is insane. He is evil. And what does that say about the people who follow him, who adore him?

I am so sorry. I don’t know if you want to read about that shit or not. It’s up for me. It’s real. It hurts my heart, my soul. How many of you are walking around with broken hearts? How many of you are suffering? We are in this together. Community is the soothing salve. And for the love of God, VOTE!!!

OK. Back to the first day of school. It was awesome. I am so excited for both of my boys. And I’m proud, too! I really missed going to school on the first day to drop them off. It’s such an important ritual and rite of passage. I miss Merrill’s STOP sign. I miss the smell of the classrooms. I miss seeing old friends. I am so sad to miss dropping Lavi off for his first day as a Freshman in high school. Dammit.

I had a pretty good day today. A busy day, you know me. Busy days are the best. I am also drinking coffee again. I can’t handle full levels of caffeine, mine has a whisper of caffeine, but it makes me feel so much better. I love it. I meditated. Ate granola. Taught yoga. Ordered more lettuce starts. The damn slugs ate all of my lettuce seedlings. Fuckers.

I want to talk about my dad. Just for a little bit, I’m not sure how much I want to share. He has dementia and it feels like he’s disappearing. I’m so worried he’ll be all gone by the time covid is over. My heart hurts, I am so sad. I am sad for him. For Margie. For my sisters. It is so utterly sad. This time every year, we all spend time together in Florida. It is the best. I wish we were all getting ready for our trip now. I wish we could go. I hope his mind hangs on until we can be together again.

Tomorrow I have therapy and as always, I am very much looking forward to it. I have work to do.

Happy First Days of School, everyone!

Sending you so much love.

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