Today my emotions have been at extremes, from my eyes tearing up at my meeting this morning, and then while I was teaching Yoga, again when I was at the grocery store, then again while driving to pick up the boys from school, to wanting to SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM. Sometimes I feel like everything is futile. Other times I brush myself off and think, we must FIGHT! And then the in between, like how to live my regular life, feels so foreign to me. How can we all do normal things? Things are not normal. Things are abnormal and I pray for bad things to happen to the puppet, even though I know thinking these bad thoughts is not good energy. How can we think good thoughts and send compassion and love and kindness to people who hate? Who only care about money? This is what I am not sure about.
Honey Bird looks gorgeous in the golden light. She looks how I feel, a bit nervous and anxious. The boys are playing basketball. I am sitting in my office, the space heater blowing on me. I'm wearing a gray bandana, a sweatshirt, jeans, slippers. I took a shower this afternoon. Aaron made lunch. I will make dinner. The boys will shower, work on homework. We will watch one episode of Malcolm in the Middle together in our bed. The boys will go to sleep. I will settle in and read. Aaron will watch the Daily Show with me before I read. He will do more work. I will brush my teeth and put pajamas on. Moko and Sunflower will take turns sleeping on the bed with me. I will wake up at 5:15 am, like I've been doing lately, unable to fall back to sleep until my alarm goes off at 6. I'll take my thyroid pill. Make lunches for the boys. Volunteer at school. And on and on. Normal. This is what normal looks like. I try to tell myself this country has been here before. I try.