First Ones In. April 17, 2020

Friday of Week 5 of Sheltering In Place. Shabbat Shalom. Today was a beautiful day. I spent time in the front yard and the back yard. Totally nailing it in the yards.

Today was also a tough day. I had to leave my house and do a pee test. They want to make sure I have no more infection. So far, so good. I will know more next week. In normal times, leaving my house to do a pee test is not a thing. Not even a whisper of a thing. I know you already know, now it is different. I notice that I create the anxiety. I could go and do the things I need to do without the anxiety. Somehow my body, mind, and spirit needs the anxiety to survive. So, fine. It is a survival mechanism. Many people have this. Many Jewish people have this. It is in our DNA. I wish I could be better, make it stop, be calm, never feel shame, never let my emotions get the better of me. Maybe I was born this way. I can remember feeling all of these same exact feelings as an eight year old, I am sure I felt them even before I have memory of feeling them.

I was in the middle of an anxiety storm today, fueled by shame, when I remembered what Adam told me. I want to share it with you because I believe it is important and it is a key to feeling better and healing. The antidote to shame is compassion. And here we are again, compassion. Compassion is the key. The key to self care, self love, to loving kindness, to loving all those around us. Compassion. Breathe it in and hold it. Please, give yourself some compassion. You are OK, you are kind and loving. You are safe. I believe in you.

As soon as I realized I needed to bring in the compassion, the storm slowed down. It was not perfect, I had to do a lot of work to keep calming myself, but compassion made a big difference. Try this and let me know how it feels for you. I believe in you.

Sending you light and love on this Shabbat evening.

puh-puh-puh