Scenes of Week 4, Covid-19, Sheltering In Place. April 6, 2020

I cry everyday. The smallest thing can set me off. It takes all of my years and all of the tools that I have learned to help me cope with my anxiety to maintain my anxiety. Just to maintain it. And sometimes, I am not maintaining, I am in full blown panic. A lot of the anxiety is the pandemic. And there is also an incredible amount of anxiety because I had a kidney infection, that was treated and then came back. Anything health related sends my anxiety into panic. That is my truth, mixed up with so much shame. Covid plus kidney infection, my adrenal glands have been working overtime. Hopefully it is gone now, they gave me lots of antibiotics. Hopefully it is done.

I read a newsletter today from the Jewish Federation. One of things he said was, “We must open our hearts to one another as we struggle against separation and loneliness, as we fight off disappointment and despair.” Usually, I feel like the despair and depression are just me. I’m the only one who is not handling this well. I know I talk about all of these feelings with many people, but when I am alone, I feel so alone. I feel like I am being hysterical, or oversensitive, or feeling it too much. But reading his words, that we are all struggling with separation, loneliness, and despair was so validating. I don’t know why I always think I am the only one. I always do that, about everything.

My cousin rode his bike to our house yesterday, when I saw him I almost cried. I miss him. I miss being in the world. I miss in-person connection.

I walk around with crystals in my pockets. I binge watch Friday Night Lights. I watch many romcoms, sometimes the same ones over and over. I sew masks. I sew pantyliners. I journal. I help my kids with school. I take long, hot showers. I have a long list of things I want to do. Garden. Learn how to read tarot cards. Read books. Bake cookies. Organize the front closet. Get rid of shit. Organize the basement. Work on my feminist project. Apply to galleries. Apply for grants. Write letters to my pen pal in Beverly.

I stay away from all news. I can’t listen to any of it.

Here are good things: I have three new doctors who are helping me through this weird kidney infection. I have a new deck of tarot cards and a new book that will teach me how to do it. I have a wonderful community that loves me and supports me. I am so grateful. I teach yoga twice a week. I host a coffee chat on zoom. Zoom is the best. We are here, we are home, we are OK. Knock on wood, puh puh puh. And - I have Friday Night Lights.

I am here for you. Just reach out and let me know you’re there!