People are anxious. This is a high anxiety time and my anxiety has been very high. I’m going to write about my anxiety, not so you can feel bad for me, but so you don’t feel so alone in your anxiety anymore. Anxiety and depression can be isolating, it can be so painful and so lonely to be trapped in an anxiety pattern or a depression. I can only imagine that most people are feeling one or the other right now, or both. Certainly, everyday is different, but my sense is there is a tremendous undercurrent of anxiety and depression rushing through all of us right now. Week 8 of sheltering in place. Now things are beginning to open up, but now the question is, how do we trust opening up? Where do I find that thing I’ve been searching for, craving, desperate for, that feeling of safety?

Yesterday my anxiety was horrible. Anxiety is nothing new to me, it has been my companion since I was 8 years old. I have many tools that I use to help myself, but sometimes it is so out of control and I can’t get away from myself. I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be OK, but even when they tell me, I can’t hear them, I can’t believe them. I am immobolized by my fears. I am stuck and paralyzed. Fight, flight, or freeze. I freeze. All I want to do is get away from myself and that is not an option. Especially now, in this time of quarantine, how do I get away from myself? I am stuck. And then it ebbs and I can think clearly again, almost. It is utterly uncomfortable. I hate it and I hate myself for having anxiety. I know it’s not my fault. But there it is. Hatred.

I know the cure is compassion. Easier said than done. When I am so far gone into an anxiety spiral, it is nearly impossible to find that feeling of being grounded, of calm, of security. Of safety. I have to wait it out. I have to talk to myself. I have to let it go out of me, like the waves going out in low tide. It is painful and it is sad. This is what my anxiety looks like. What does yours look like?

Sending you all the love. Trust in yourself. You are worthy of kindness and compassion.