8th Grade Graduation Car Parade. June 9, 2020

I’m so proud of Lavi. He has worked so hard, for so many years. He started at PJA in 1st grade. He was so little and quiet and sweet. PJA has been his happy place for the past 8 years and my heart is broken because he is all done. He is moving onto an amazing high school, but the sweetness of PJA is al over. For Lavi. Mayim still has 3 more years. I am grateful for all of the years Lavi got to be at PJA and grateful Mayim has 3 more. I am not ready to say good-bye even though it’s not always easy for me. But for the boys, it is a beautiful place.

I must start writing these posts earlier in the day. By the time I get here, I am too tired, too sad, too depressed, too anxious, too miserable. This is hard for me, friends. As I am sure it is hard for all of you. I am alone all the time and I hate it. I love my studio so much, but I can’t feel nourished without being with friends. Being in the world. I am tired of being alone. I am sick sick sick of being in my head all the fucking time. I am sick of the worry. I am sick of worrying. I am sick and tired of my own thoughts. I am reading about meditation, I am trying to meditate, and of all the things I’ve read and heard, they always say be compassionate to yourself. Be loving and kind to yourself. And I am none of those things. Being those things for myself is so fucking hard. I am exhausted and I feel miserable.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am grateful. I am also a human being with some ugly feelings.

Here is an experiment to try, see what these posts sound like earlier in the day. Perhaps with some tea or coffee. I bet I will sound 100% different. Fuck it. Going to sleep now.

Love you. Miss you. Sending all the love.

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