Today I felt a bit lost. Bored. But I had so many things I could have done. I could have gardened. Knitted. Painted. Photographed. Journaled. Walked. Nothing felt appealing. I lost my appetite for nice things today. Instead I took a nap and then I watched a movie. I guess these are fine things to do on a Sunday during quarantine. Who is judging, anyway? You? Me? It’s me. I know it is me. Always judging. Lacking kindness.

I joined the meditation group this morning. I am practicing meditation, not ever knowing what the hell I’m doing. But I keep doing it. I keep trying to bring in the kindness, gentleness, the unlimited friendliness, and the discipline. It’s fucking hard. Sometimes when I sit, I cry unexpectedly. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts even though I try so hard to not get lost. Sometimes I feel frustrated and I give up before the time is through. Sometimes I tell myself to keep focusing on my breath and before I’ve even finished that breath, I’ve lost focus. The mind is incredibly hard to harness, at least my mind is. I keep trying and I will keep trying. I enjoy it even though I’m not sure what I am getting out of it. They say it is good for you, so I will keep on trying. Pema says doing your best is good enough. I believe her. Sometimes.

Please stay safe and wear your mask. Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh