Sexy Garden Time. July 13, 2020

L-R: Echinacea I, Echinacea II, Rose of Sharon, Green Beans, Calendula, Dahlia I, Dahlia II, Cilantro, Cucumber I, Cucumber II, Bee Balm, Coleus.

All it takes is one hot day and the garden grows exponentially. I’m getting my first blooms of the summer. First dahlias. First rose of sharon blooms. It’s thrilling.

These days of summer are starting to have some form, but not too much. I meditate first thing in the morning. Then today it was New Mamas Group. Camp (rock painting), lunch, more rock painting. Bike ride. Swim. Cook dinner. Relax with family (Big Bang Theory). Rinse and repeat, with minor changes. We rarely get in the car. It’s so strange. I used to spend much of my day in the car. I miss driving. I hate this fucking country right now. We are an embarrassment. The whole globe is laughing at us. I won't take credit for all of this stupidity. It’s that fucking asshole and all of his moronic disciples. I can’t stray too much out of the present moment. I’m already washing my hands too often. Fucking OCD. It’s an interesting idea, controlling my anxiety with hand washing. Seems harmless enough. I like to notice how bad my anxiety is by how often I’m washing my hands. I notice I wash my hands a lot when I’m around my mom. That’s a good thing to notice. I noticed today that I was peeking at the news more than usual caused increased hand washing. If only I could control the world with how often and how well I wash my fucking hands. I am grateful for hand lotion.

Today, as usual, my meditation started out really well. Then it was a shit show. I feel OK with that. I don’t feel I am that off track. I just keep sitting and trying. Tomorrow I will join the group at 7 am. Too early for me, but I will do it.

I’m off of my workout schedule. Maybe I needed a break. My back was really sore, so my body said I must take a break. I’m starting to miss it, that feels good. I was feeling bored and annoyed with it. I needed some space.

One of my big goals for this week is to rearrange and clean my studio.

Our new washing machine is supposed to arrive tomorrow. We have been without a washing machine for three weeks. It’s actually been completely fine. I wash my bras undies by hand and I am now wearing some really ugly clothes, nothing else is clean. I have nowhere to go, no one is seeing me in person, so fuck yeah, ugly clothes are awesome.

I slightly went down an old rabbit hole of looking at other people’s photography careers and comparing myself. Always a bad idea. Always feels so shitty. It’s such a familiar rabbit hole, I’ve gone down there so many times. This time I didn’t go too deep, but enough to feel that shitty feeling. So easy to compare my insides with other people’s outsides. It’s always a mistake.

It’s been so weird not being able to work on my photography project. That whole part of me is on hold. How long do I want it to be on hold? Am I the only one on hold? I know I am not. Some people’s careers are thriving at this time, others are nowhere. I guess we should breathe into all of that and know that this is now, but not always. Also, can you believe how many podcasts there are in the world? Everyone has their own podcast.

One of my favorite smells is the smell of sunscreen. It is a summer smell and I love it. We are using one now that smells like coconut. So good. I feel greasy from it tonight.

I miss you so much. I hope you are staying safe. Wear. Your. Masks.

Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh