July 16, 2020

Quarantine Dream. July 16, 2020

I love a busy day and today felt busy. I meditated this morning. Then a zoom coffee chat that was really intimate and personal. My favorite kind. Junk food lunch (ew). So much laundry folding, it was amazing. Finally, our washing machine is here, installed, and kicking ass. I am wearing clean pajamas for the first time in weeks. The height of luxury. Then some physical therapy exercises, some yoga. Pool time with Aaron. Prenatal Yoga on zoom. Dinner. Walk with Aaron. Wonderful chat with new friends that live a few blocks away. Wearing masks makes everything feel awkward and impersonal. It’s fine, don’t misunderstand, I love wearing my mask. It just makes things feel different. Mayim and I watched lots of adorable videos on Pinterest that I have been collecting, then we watched two episodes of Babysitters Club. So good. Lavi refused to watch Big Bang tonight, he was mad at me. When we came home from our walk, I expected my kitchen to be clean. Teens and tweens (and sometimes husbands) have a different idea of clean than I do. So, my kitchen was “clean”, but in reality, gross. So I yelled. He was mad at me for that. We had a nice NVC talk a few minutes ago. He told me why he was feeling angry. I told him I understand. I shared why I was feeling frustrated and disappointed and asked him to try to do a better job. All is well. I think.

I still need to fulfill my goal of deep cleaning and rearranging the studio. It is on my list of things to do.

I am going to read now. For pleasure. For escape. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are wearing your mask. If everyone buckles down and wears a mask all the time, we can get out of this mess. First, we might need to get rid of that pig.

Be well. Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 15, 2020

Our Walk at Dusk. July 15, 2020

How are you dealing with the continuous feeling of overwhelm? Sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I feel very anxious. Sometimes I feel numb. Right now I feel mostly numb, with a side of anxious. Mayim’s nose is stuffy and he’s sneezy. Is it allergies? What is it? What the fucking fuck.

Lately I’ve been feeling bored and completely uninterested in doing anything. Does that make me boring? All I can do is roll my eyes. I’m so annoyed. Frustrated. Irritated. Angry. Anxious. Depressed. This is behind the curtain, shit. Am I still likable? Fuck.

The Director of the CDC said if we all wear masks, the numbers would go way down in a matter of weeks. How stupid are we as a country? This country has caused me to become completely insane. Insane. Are you insane? How is this bullshit acceptable? Wear your fucking mask, you imbeciles.

On our walk tonight, a man across the street sneezed a wet, sloppy sneeze. Did not even cover it. I wish I could write him a ticket for being a complete slob with no manners. We were wearing our masks. Thankfully, or else I would have to have a panic attack. And we were across the street. But still, do I need any more anxiety than I already have? Sneeze into your elbow, you fucking moron.

I am still rolling my eyes. I hate everyone. But not you.

Stay safe. Wear your mask. All the time. It’s a good habit. You never know when some rude motherfucker is going to sloppy sneeze nearby.

Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 14, 2020

Baby Theenie.

We Ride!

July 14, 2020

July 13, 2020

Sexy Garden Time. July 13, 2020

L-R: Echinacea I, Echinacea II, Rose of Sharon, Green Beans, Calendula, Dahlia I, Dahlia II, Cilantro, Cucumber I, Cucumber II, Bee Balm, Coleus.

All it takes is one hot day and the garden grows exponentially. I’m getting my first blooms of the summer. First dahlias. First rose of sharon blooms. It’s thrilling.

These days of summer are starting to have some form, but not too much. I meditate first thing in the morning. Then today it was New Mamas Group. Camp (rock painting), lunch, more rock painting. Bike ride. Swim. Cook dinner. Relax with family (Big Bang Theory). Rinse and repeat, with minor changes. We rarely get in the car. It’s so strange. I used to spend much of my day in the car. I miss driving. I hate this fucking country right now. We are an embarrassment. The whole globe is laughing at us. I won't take credit for all of this stupidity. It’s that fucking asshole and all of his moronic disciples. I can’t stray too much out of the present moment. I’m already washing my hands too often. Fucking OCD. It’s an interesting idea, controlling my anxiety with hand washing. Seems harmless enough. I like to notice how bad my anxiety is by how often I’m washing my hands. I notice I wash my hands a lot when I’m around my mom. That’s a good thing to notice. I noticed today that I was peeking at the news more than usual caused increased hand washing. If only I could control the world with how often and how well I wash my fucking hands. I am grateful for hand lotion.

Today, as usual, my meditation started out really well. Then it was a shit show. I feel OK with that. I don’t feel I am that off track. I just keep sitting and trying. Tomorrow I will join the group at 7 am. Too early for me, but I will do it.

I’m off of my workout schedule. Maybe I needed a break. My back was really sore, so my body said I must take a break. I’m starting to miss it, that feels good. I was feeling bored and annoyed with it. I needed some space.

One of my big goals for this week is to rearrange and clean my studio.

Our new washing machine is supposed to arrive tomorrow. We have been without a washing machine for three weeks. It’s actually been completely fine. I wash my bras undies by hand and I am now wearing some really ugly clothes, nothing else is clean. I have nowhere to go, no one is seeing me in person, so fuck yeah, ugly clothes are awesome.

I slightly went down an old rabbit hole of looking at other people’s photography careers and comparing myself. Always a bad idea. Always feels so shitty. It’s such a familiar rabbit hole, I’ve gone down there so many times. This time I didn’t go too deep, but enough to feel that shitty feeling. So easy to compare my insides with other people’s outsides. It’s always a mistake.

It’s been so weird not being able to work on my photography project. That whole part of me is on hold. How long do I want it to be on hold? Am I the only one on hold? I know I am not. Some people’s careers are thriving at this time, others are nowhere. I guess we should breathe into all of that and know that this is now, but not always. Also, can you believe how many podcasts there are in the world? Everyone has their own podcast.

One of my favorite smells is the smell of sunscreen. It is a summer smell and I love it. We are using one now that smells like coconut. So good. I feel greasy from it tonight.

I miss you so much. I hope you are staying safe. Wear. Your. Masks.

Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 12, 2020

Today I felt a bit lost. Bored. But I had so many things I could have done. I could have gardened. Knitted. Painted. Photographed. Journaled. Walked. Nothing felt appealing. I lost my appetite for nice things today. Instead I took a nap and then I watched a movie. I guess these are fine things to do on a Sunday during quarantine. Who is judging, anyway? You? Me? It’s me. I know it is me. Always judging. Lacking kindness.

I joined the meditation group this morning. I am practicing meditation, not ever knowing what the hell I’m doing. But I keep doing it. I keep trying to bring in the kindness, gentleness, the unlimited friendliness, and the discipline. It’s fucking hard. Sometimes when I sit, I cry unexpectedly. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts even though I try so hard to not get lost. Sometimes I feel frustrated and I give up before the time is through. Sometimes I tell myself to keep focusing on my breath and before I’ve even finished that breath, I’ve lost focus. The mind is incredibly hard to harness, at least my mind is. I keep trying and I will keep trying. I enjoy it even though I’m not sure what I am getting out of it. They say it is good for you, so I will keep on trying. Pema says doing your best is good enough. I believe her. Sometimes.

Please stay safe and wear your mask. Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 11, 2020

Mayim, Theenie, Our Blueberries. July 11, 2020

July 9, 2020

Summer Is Here? July 9, 2020

July 8, 2020

My new hobby is painting rocks. I was inspired by a mysterious neighbor who left a lovely painted rock for me in my watermelon patch. This rock is an original design. I am not much of a painter, so I’ve also been getting ideas from Pinterest and copying them. It is so relaxing. I love it. I can’t wait to paint more and surreptitiously deliver one to a friend and/or neighbor.

Aaron went grocery shopping this evening. Remember when grocery shopping was a regular thing to do? Boring. Mundane. A chore. Now it is steeped in anxiety and stress. Remember when Obama was president? I cry whenever I hear his voice. The sound of sanity and stability. Remember sanity and stability? Living like this, with an insane, maniacal moron as the leader of this country feels like a never-ending dumpster fire. Never-ending. I am done. Are you done? Let’s create a viral web campaign to get everyone to wear a mask.

I am going to read my book and self-soothe.

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 7, 2020

Quarantine Walk. Our Garden and Some Other Fun Things. July 7, 2020

I don’t know what to talk about anymore. Seems like everyday is the same. I meditated this morning. Taught yoga. Cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom. Ate a grilled cheese. Went on a walk. Hosted my first happy hour. Ate dinner. Watched Big Bang Theory with the boys. And here I am. Today was cool and nice and cloudy, not good pool weather. I took a power nap. Started a new book. I need to read my book for book club! I’m living in a snow globe with very little outside contact. This is weird. I am simultaneously fine and freaked out. All the time.

Love you. Sending you the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 5, 2020

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Fluff. July 5, 2020

July 4, 2020

Happy 4th of July. July 4, 2020

Plant list, in order, l-r: onions, calendula, Russian sage, passionflower, blueberry, golden sage, basil, cucumber, hebe, echinacea, oregano with nasturtiums, mint, agastache.

Happy 4th, everyone. It’s 10:04 pm, Aaron and Mayim were outside watching the neighbors set off fireworks. All illegal, of course. Lavi and I stayed in the house. I’m not feeling up for being around people. Honey Bird is running around the house barking her head off because of the fireworks. Quite annoying.

I was a tiny bit off today. My tummy was upset. But otherwise, it has been a very relaxing day. I got the new Marian Keyes book from the library. I had to make myself stop reading it, my eyes were hurting. Plus, I don’t want to finish it all in one day, I’ve got to savor it. It’s been a long time since I’ve gorged on a good, lighthearted book.

The garden is looking lovely. The backyard as well. I’ll have to take photos of the backyard to share. Tomorrow I want to build the trellis for the cucumbers. Pull out all of the broccoli. I’ll plant more lettuce. Is it time to plant beets? I need to look that up. Yum. Beets.

I hope this finds you well. Wear your mask! Take care of your self.

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 2, 2020

Cats Who Like Popcorn. July 2, 2020

July 1, 2020

I found my box of beads today. It was in a box that was moved from the Greeley house, to storage, to this house. We still have boxes in this house that we have not unpacked. It was a miracle that I found the beads, a needle in a haystack situation. In this box, I found odds and ends. Some old photos, including this polaroid of Meghan. I know I took that photo in my house, that’s my blue chair, I can see the measuring spoons that my sisters gave me as a gift, but I am not sure which house. I’m leaning towards the one on Brooklyn St. Maybe Meghan knows, I will ask her tomorrow.

It was a rainy day today. Lavi and I watched Dead Poets Society. It’s interesting watching such serious movies with Lavi. Spoiler alert, if you have not seen this movie, stop reading now! One of the kids commits suicide. Such a bad choice. So sad and tragic. High school kids, it gets better! You will get away from your insane parents and things will feel so much better! It was sad, and it felt even sadder knowing that Robin Williams committed suicide. It still feels like such a shock and so horrific that he did that. You just never know what is happening for people behind closed doors. Suicide is so common, but no one talks about it. It has touched my life twice. Aaron’s best friend committed suicide when we were in our 20’s. And my dad attempted suicide about 20 years ago. Lavi does not know, today seemed like an opportunity to talk about it, but I wasn’t ready. When do you tell your children that their grandfather did that? Anyway, it’s a beautiful movie and an intense subject to talk about with my 14 year old son.

Things feel so chaotic in the world right now. I feel grateful to live in Oregon, but feeling anxious about our numbers going up. I am so upset and worried about the states that are seeing such huge numbers. Crimes against humanity. I keep thinking about that phrase. Hoping for justice that will never happen. Our piece of shit president is now saying that he likes masks because wearing one made him feel like the Lone Ranger. What a joke. We must be the laughingstock of the world. What. An. Idiot.

Stay safe. Wear your mask! Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh

June 30, 2020

We made this amazing strawberry pie at camp! Chef Marisa is a wonderful teacher. This pie is really all thanks to Mayim. He had the inspiration and the motivation to make this, start to finish. The boys made the crust yesterday. Then today we rolled it out, made the strawberry filling, and voila! We made gluten free crust. It’s good, I’m sure it’s a far cry from real crust made with flour and butter, but it was nice. It was very crumbly and a pain to work with, hence the stars. But they turned out great, so festive and pretty. The pie was delicious!

Today was a mediocre day. It was fine. I need to keep planning things to look forward to. One thing each day. What will my thing be tomorrow? I do go to therapy, I always look forward to therapy. I will reach out and plan some good things.

I’m hitting the hay early tonight! YES! Last night I stayed up until 1 am, for no reason. I was just up, puttering around, looking at fabric online. What was I thinking? Lack of sleep is probably why I was so fucking tired today. This is not rocket science, friends. Sleep is important.

Get your masks! I am thrilled that Governor Brown is making masks mandatory. It is about fucking time. Masks should have been mandatory 4 months ago.

Be good to yourselves, friends. Don’t forget to breathe. You are special. You are perfect just the way you are. Believe it. Take it in.

Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh