August 8, 2020

Lavi made an entire dinner for us tonight, for the first time. It was awesome. Noodles, onions, and sour cream. And peas. It was perfect.

Today I had the wonderful combination of exhausted and relaxed. Aaron was completely wiped out today. We laid around all damn day. It was amazing. Tomorrow our plan is to go for a hike. A new hike. I am looking forward to it.

We are in bed at 11 pm on a Saturday night. Feeling the quarantine doldrums.

Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

August 7, 2020

Theenie and Her Llama. Action Series. August 7, 2020

Shabbat Shalom!

Today I decided to volunteer with a national agency that supports families who are pregnant and/or parenting who are struggling with anxiety and/or depression. I had a phone interview today and it feels like a really good fit.

Then Aaron and I had a Zoom meeting with Edison High School. That was wonderful, as well.

I made OMG chocolate chip cookies, they are YUM.

We are exhausted here. Shabbat Shalom everyone. Sending you love.

puh-puh-puh

August 6, 2020

Sunny likes to get in my spot when I get out of bed in the morning. This morning I joined the meditation group at 7 am. Note to self - keep meditating. It helps your anxiety.

Today was full and busy and I need to see if I can continue keeping my days super full. I’m so happy to be in bed. It’s 10:12 pm. So good and early.

Sleep well. Sending you love and good vibes only.

puh-puh-puh

August 5, 2020

I need to go easy and have compassion for myself. I am working on this. It feels hard. I’m in my head way too much and it’s not good for me.

I hope you are feeling safe and loved. I love you.

puh-puh-puh

August 4, 2020

I taught Mayim how to sew and he finished this fabulous apron today.

Today was a better day. I was busier. Ding! Ding! Ding! Must stay busy. Busy is best. I got up super early and joined the meditation group. Cried a lot. So much! Taught yoga. Sewed with boys. Ate lunch. Had an appointment. Bike ride. Power nap. Happy Hour! Dinner. Watched the second half of the first episode of Umbrella Academy with Aaron. Watched two episodes of Big Bang with Lavi. Mayim was doing his own thing. And here I am.

Must keep busy! I can do it!

Anxiety is still high. Was very depressed this morning, but that got better as day progressed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it 10 billion more times, yoga is the key. It changes everything.

Going to do another meditation now, this time I will lay here and listen to a guided meditation and relax.

Hope you are OK. Hope you are safe. Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

August 3, 2020

I’m having a hard time. Aaron is reassuring me that everyone is fucked up right now, that it’s not just me. I hate when I feel awful. I am sure no one enjoys feeling awful. I had a panic attack yesterday. It wasn’t the worst panic attack that I’ve ever had, but they are never fun. I think I have a panic attack hangover today. I’ve been exhausted all day. I also have not had any caffeine, so there’s that. I want to hide. I want to jump on an airplane and go to Greece. I want to stay in bed. I want to feel safe. Feeling safe is my favorite.

The greatest thing I did today was make granola. Granola makes me happy. I look forward to eating it for breakfast. I make it once a week and it brings me joy. I also made arepas for dinner tonight. My sister Danielle made them and inspired me to make them as well. They were so easy to make and really delicious.

The boys and I are going to watch Big Bang Theory now. It’s usually my favorite part of the day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight is the full moon. Take good care of your self. Be kind. Be compassionate.

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 31, 2020

Today has been a hard day for me. I’ve been very anxious today. I hate it. What I find difficult is that sometimes I feel like there is no good reason to feel anxious, today is hardly different from yesterday or the day before, but the anxiety I feel is much more intense and uncomfortable. It’s like I’m a magnet and I am picking up pieces and shards of anxiety from all around me. Particles are floating all around and today is the day they are attracted to the kind of magnet that I am. Or perhaps I am an emotional sponge, absorbing the collective anxiety that we are all feeling right now. I know I am an HSP, a highly sensitive person. I am an empath. I need a protective force field that won’t allow of this energy in. It’s too much. The anxiety does not always have a name or feel very specific, it just is. The volume is turned way up. I hate it and I feel very sad.

I feel that during this time of covid, I have noticed the anxiety that I feel comes in waves. It ebbs and flows. Much of the time I feel fine, OK, sometimes numb, then there are days like today where the anxiety is all that I can feel and see. I know it will pass and I still fucking hate it.

I realized today that I have not been meditating everyday and I have not been doing as much yoga. I have to get back to these things and not neglect to do them. They make a big difference in my life.

I hope you are OK. I hope you are not feeling so sad or anxious. I am sending you love.

puh-puh-puh

July 30, 2020

I love these freckles so much. I had the same exact freckles when I was his age.

Another pool day. It was hot today. I made the boys hang out outside with no screens. They read books. It was miraculous. I hope to make this happen again. Mayim swam. Lavi did not. Teenagers are weird.

Today felt busy even though it was a pool day. I had a zoom chat this morning. I taught yoga this evening. Reading and swimming in between. I also made sweet tea.

I’ve neglected my house, which is just fucking fine. So tired of cleaning just to see it messy again in 5 minutes. I did order a new mop and I am going to mop the damn kitchen.

How are you? Are you OK? How are you coping? How are you feeling about schools not reopening? I feel relieved, but I think many are not. So many feelings all around.

Sending you so much love.

puh-puh-puh

July 29, 2020

I realized so many things today. I realized that the tablecloth that I just dyed would look great on the table on the back deck. And I also realized that I could spend the whole day by the pool. I really cannot understand why or how it took me so long to come to the realization that I could spend the day at the pool just as I would a day at the beach in Maui, or a day at the pool in Florida. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to ACCOMPLISH things everyday. To be in the studio and be diligent. I put all of that aside today and packed a beach bag full of good poolside activities. My knitting, a book (kindle), my phone for podcasts. It was divine and I plan on having another pool day tomorrow. This hot weather is dreamy and I would like to allow myself to enjoy it. Is it hard for you to let your hair down and relax? It feels almost impossible for me sometimes. I got my period this morning which meant I felt exhausted, which also allowed me to let myself off the hook and just relax. Even on a Wednesday. It is usually more than impossible for me to relax on a weekday. I am practicing.

Do all meditation groups meet early in the morning? At the beginning of the summer my group was meeting at 7 am and then again at 8 am. 8 am works for me. 7 am is awful. Too early. It’s midnight now. Waking up at 6:30 am sounds too early.

I am going to read my new book now. Just for a little while.

Stay safe and wear your mask, dammit. Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 28, 2020

Worked out today and know my ass is broken.

Today was a busy day, it’s been a good day. I got up and meditated with the group. I actually had a good meditation today. It is a welcome experience since my meditation yesterday was a total disaster. The mind is a crazy place. So, good on me. Also, Pema Chodron says to let it go. I won’t let one good sit go to my head. Tomorrow could be another shit show. Are all Jews pessimists, or is it just me?

I taught yoga this morning. Then the boys and I started working on our aprons. Had lunch. Berry salad with grilled cheese. Hung out with Marisa for camp time. Then I zoomed with my dear friends in Beverley, Massachusetts. I was interrupted a bunch by my bank. I’m finally cleaning up the mess that was made in March when someone stole money from our online bank accounts. I’m finally getting my debit card. Who cares. Ugh, so boring. Then we worked out. Then a quick dip in the pool. Then happy hour with my sisters. I love happy hour with my sisters. Danielle told the story of David and Paul at Carvel. EW. We cackled.

Aaron made dinner tonight. Lavi and I finished Big Daddy. And here I am. I’m listing it all because I’m so tired. My apologies.

Sending the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 27, 2020

Dusky Walk. July 27, 2020

Aaron and I took Honey Bird on a walk after dinner tonight. We are having a heat wave, I love heat waves. Also, I’m spoiled because we have a/c and a swimming pool. But I love the heat no matter what. I have fond memories of being at camp during heat waves. In Maine it is a humid hot. There’s no escape at camp, no a/c anywhere except the office. At times classes were canceled so we could all jump in the pool for a few minutes. I loved that. See, there are things at camp that I loved. You know it is hard for me.

Back to our dusky walk. We happened on a couple of friends, which is always nice. It was a hot and mellow walk. Aaron and I were sluggish. Fun to be slugs.

Today was a full day. I zoomed with my New Mama's Group. I love that group. Zoomed with Marisa and I started a sewing project. The boys slept late. Lavi woke up at noon. They are taking a computer programming class, the teacher is horrendous. Very, very boring. Amazingly boring. Like, how do you not know you are so horribly boring and not try to be more interesting? They both enjoyed learning the coding. Lavi keeps asking me if he has to keep going. But I paid for it! Ugh! He will go. And be bored. It’s a good lesson to learn that there are awful teachers in the world. Then Aaron and I had lunch together. I continued to sew. Then Aaron and I worked out, had a swim, I made dinner. I had anxiety. We ate dinner. Took a walk. I forced myself to take a shower. And here I am. I want to watch a quick show, then lights out. I am going to get up early to join the meditation group. And that was my Monday. I was in a great mood and I also had lots of anxiety. Fun to do both kinds of things simultaneously.

I hope you are doing self-care. You are worth it. I miss all of you. Sending all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 26, 2020

Dusk in the Garden. July 26, 2020

Plants, l-r: cucumber, beans, tomatoes, dahlia, cilantro/coriander, calendula, calendula, tomatoes, dahlia, hollyhock, watermelon, echinacea, rose of Sharon, onions.

July 25, 2020

Epic Bike Ride Date Night. July 25, 2020

We went on the most wonderful bike ride this evening for date night. I’ve been dreaming about this bike ride for a while, and we made it happen tonight. Yesssssss. We visited all of these lovely friends. It was the best. We rode up to their houses and got to spend time with everyone. (I forgot to take a photo of Ophelia and David - so sorry! Next time!). Seeing everyone really lifted my spirits. Even though I was wearing a mask and we all kept our distance, I felt almost normal. Almost. Thank you, everyone. It was such a delight to see you. And the babies!!! I love those babies.

Other things we did today: I meditated this morning and it was fucking tough. A lot of fear came up for me, it sucked. It did not feel relaxing at all, in fact, I was worse after that session. Every time I meditate, I learn something new. Today I learned that meditation can suck, completely. I am looking forward to tomorrow evening’s session with the group. Lama Michael will be leading it. I have not met him, but he is much loved, so I am really looking forward to learning from him. Also today, I gave Aaron a haircut. And, I cleaned the bathroom. Both satisfying accomplishments. Nailing it, 100%. Then, we drove to one of our favorite gardens only to discover that it is now closed on the weekends. It was nice to get out, anyway. So incredibly nice to be away from the house and all of the things that need to be tidied or fixed or torn out, or torn down. I need a break from my house. All in all, it was a lovely day and the bike ride was really and truly wonderful.

Thank you, friends.

Sending you all the love.

puh-puh-puh

July 24, 2020

Shabbat Shalom, y’all. Today was a long day. On Fridays I usually do not have much planned and sometimes I take the day off. Lately, I haven’t been able to take time off from my own overthinking and I’m feeling a bit ashamed of how sensitive I am. Isn’t that sad? I am very sad. I am sensitive and I should not feel shame about that. But here we are. Too sensitive. Too much. A burden. Shame. It is so sad to acknowledge this, to say it here.

Changing the subject now, that shame talk is too fucking heavy. So, I’m watching two new shows that I am loving. Shrill and Love on the Spectrum. I have a few new books I need to read, but I am looking for a light book to help me through. When I was a teenager, I used to read Danielle Steele novels. I wonder if I would like those now. Also, I read a lot of the Flowers in the Attic series. Those have stuck with me. They are so eerie and strange. They still haunt me. Do you remember those? Do they still haunt you, too?

I just found out that the boys can do school virtually in the Fall. I am incredibly relieved. I was horribly stressed about it this week.

Theenie is an amazing source of entertainment. She’s become a part of our family. Sunny is still very shy, she stays in our bedroom. She is very loving with Aaron and I am her person. She does not tolerate Theenie at all. I think she’s very anxious and scared. Poor girl. Moko is as strange as ever. She and Theenie do interact with each other with minimal growling. They can get close, nose-to-nose. Theenie and Honey Bird are good friends.

Tomorrow is date night. I’m looking forward to a nice bike ride. Also tomorrow, I am going to clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen. I can hardly wait. Also, we are going to change the sheets on our bed. So fucking rad.

Sending you all the love. Stay safe and wear your fucking mask.

puh-puh-puh

July 22, 2020

Mayim was a huge help! We had a great time. And look at all of this art!

July 21, 2020

Shibori Time. July 21, 2020

We are doing shibori in camp this week. Shibori is gorgeous and it is so much fun to make. I have lots more pieces to rinse and hang up. I also have more pieces to make and dip in the indigo. Yessssss.

I am stressed. Over the top stressed. I am unhappy and anxious worrying about what our schools are going to do in the Fall. I am tired and I don’t want to talk about it anymore tonight. Wiped out.

Mayim and I are in my bed and we are going to watch Babysitters Club now. That is the best news.

Please take good care.

Sending all the love to you.

puh-puh-puh

July 20, 2020

I have been feeling exhausted and depressed and I made the mistake of laying around over the weekend instead of getting out for a bike ride or hiking. I thinking being in nature is very much needed right now, for my heart and my sanity. Mistake noted and must do better starting now.

Today was lovely. We sat around for hours doing shibori. We try to get the kids involved, I swear we do. But it always ends up just the grown ups, which is fine. Fine fine. Everything is just fine. I’m not complaining, but you should know that during covid, fine is the new amazing.

The light is now shining on the world and it is revealing how horrendously America has dealt with this pandemic. Italy, France, and Germany are through it. America has the most cases in the world. Trump does not seem to notice this, does not seem to see this as a reflection of himself. I am wondering if Americans can see Trump for who is is now. Up until now, he has maintained popularity. Will a pandemic change people’s minds? This is absolutely agonizing. Seeing the world healing and moving on with America still suffering. My anxiety is high. I hate feeling this way.

Distraction!!!

I miss Eb and Bean. I want froyo!!! I want ice cream. I want french fries. Fresh french fries. I want them! I want a fancy cocktail while sitting at a chic bar. I want a delicious coffee drink. I want to get on an airplane. I want to be with my family in California, Florida, and Tennessee. I want to hang out with my mom. I want to be with Meghan. I want it all!!!

Distraction!!!

I love my bike. It’s a purple cruiser. I have a basket on the front. It’s so comfortable and stylish. Totally nailing it.

Trust yourself.

Trust your intuition.

Take back your power.

Sending all the love to you.

puh-puh-puh